valduci84

Sometimes I think that if you were straight we wouldn't be friends.

I feel like it has been awhile since I wrote a long entry in this thing. I suppose I could go and look that up but we all know that is FAR too much effort for me.

So I started getting back on track today and it has brought out a lot of things that I didn't know would show up. I have this idea of the kind of person I want to be and what I want in life but these things are all so far away. I'm the girl who writes papers after they are due (and gets an A might I add) and lacks a large amount of logic and these two characteristics combine into this stagnation of life. Everything is just ok. I am mediocre at life these days which does not lend toward massive change. If it's not broken, why try and fix it?

Well, I can be so much more than I am. I know this. I know what I have to do and how I have to act, but when nothing is THAT wrong with my life it is hard to find the motivation to change.

I have also said lately how I don't know if I want to do urban planning anymore. Most people say that I don't have to do what my degree says I should do and others, who know me the best, know this is bullshit and I am just scared to grow up.

Rick asked me if I liked the San Francisco or the Philadelphia conference better. I told him they were just diferent. San Francisco was all about seeing and finding new things. It brought some of us together in a way that I did not expect. Philadelphia reminded me of a lot of things. It reminded me that I am a planning nerd. It reminded me that I can get my shit together....done it once can do it again. This then reminded me of the end of college.

Everything basically fell apart and what is funny is somehow this got patched back together. Yes patched. Although I am the one who got things done, I don't think I would have made certain decisions had some small irritating jewish man not been around. And I guess in my non confrontational way I want to say thank you and that I probably can't express what it meant/means to me. This is where I have to stop before I scare people. Also, I mean it and I am a girl. Coming back from being a huge nerd reminded me of things and brought back a lot. I have no idea what I do in return, maybe nothing. I hope that isn't the case.





Also, I just got this email from one of my professors and started getting all annoyed and worked up about school. It was all put in perspective when I found out how serious the situation is with one of my friends moms. How do you be there for someone without being overbearing? What is the right thing to do? How do you fix something that has no cure? I still feel like a child sometimes who is expected to deal with such real life situations. Maybe there is nothing I can or should do. Maybe the better option is to let it be and step back. It's like some game. Let's try and figure out what makes someone feel better about a horrible situation.


Bed time. I have to continue fixing my mistakes in the morning.

Pretty sure I'm doing it again. TROUBLE.







but oh so entertaining! right?!

I am freaking out. This is not good.




POP ALREADY! JESUS CHRIST!

I guess it is the time for some change. An abortion. It's been a good run and I guess in the end nothing ever stays the same. Chicago. Boston. New York. Seattle. San Francisco.

I can't wait for the one year anniversary. Perhaps we will all be a little more comfortable by then.

I hate grad school. It is horrible. The thought of three more semesters makes me want to cry. Speaking of, I should register.

I know what I want and I know that I can never have it. Cool. (Bring it on Home - Little Big Town; driving home from NYC)

I think the only problem is how small this firm is.

And even more things get cut short. NOT FAIR. I have to remember that everything is temporary.

Why have the past few friendships been ripped away and cut so short. It doesn't seem fair. We don't have enough time.

I get in these moods where I want to accomplish so many things. THe problem is, these moods often come at 11pm right before I should be going to sleep. I need that summer back. I need to embrace everything that it meant, get over shit, and go for it. What have I been waiting for? Seriously.

One step at a time. It will all come together soon enough.

I am so sad. I am not used to being this sad.

thank you. thank you for everything.


god the jose heartbeats video.....kills me. it kills me. no one understands how much that means.....no one understands what it did for all of us, what it had made us turn in to....we are bonded by experiences and life....for the rest of time. i have said this about people in the past...as i watch this video, i hope it is different.


thanks, and i am sorry.

Oh jesus, let the mind games begin again. Have I learned anything from last time? Will that remain the great mystery. For the most part I know why I have met people....not him.




Time is the enemy. Please stay in Chicago. And I need to calm down. The end.

I wanted it back. Just one day of that life. I dont want to go back with the knowledge of my life now, I want to rewind and spend one day there. I would wake up and be cleaning out apartment. Maybe pretending to do some homework while Tracy and I watch what not to wear or sex and the city. After being lazy for awhile Kaethe would call us and we would go play in Scott park with Kristen. Hang out, talk about pointless things, and not really have an actual care in the world.

"Want to go out tonight?"
"I have homework, but ok"
"Where"
"Brothers! Murphys!"
"Stop picking all the lame bars. Station?"
"NO"
"Fine brothers"

"What color highlights should I get? I want to cut my hair, lets go RIGHT NOW!"



My roommate moved her boyfriend into our dorm room. I don't think Kristen likes me. Tracy is so quiet. Can Jen please stop using my computer? I should have gone to Cornell. Sorry, but I probably won't stay friends with you.

I'm coming home from Spain and want to see you guys! What are we going to do with these boys? Is she an alcoholic?

We are having a keg. I am going to KILL my roommate, we don't talk. Should I take their job offer? I am going to visit you at Potbelly. We will meet you at Starbucks but only after Greys is over, 10pm? Never have I ever barcrawl o'never!

Yeah, I live at Grand and Michigan Ave. Yeah, I pretty much rock at life and have my shit together....and always have. Quiet girl who people thought hated them? NO MORE!
Yeah, I am getting straight A's and dealing with the consequences of my actions. I have built a fantastic relationship. I will get two degrees. She said I think I'll go to Boston. I think I'll start a new life. Where no one knows my name.
Yeah, I am lost, but the thing is I know it will be ok because I am not afraid to take the chance and jump right in. Go to Spain for a year? Sure! Pick up and move to Chicago where I have an apartment by the lake and work in the loop? You got it! Things aren't settled now, but I am rocking life. Maybe I'll find myself a lover and fly them to Spain.
No internship? No grad school? No apartment? Living at home? YEAH RIGHT! I'll take one internship in the loop and perhaps a masters degree in two years. Sure I haven't been accepted yet but at this point it doesn't even matter. It honestly does not even matter. I have never been more proud in my life.




She said, I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over,
where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California.
Tired of the weather.
Think Ill get a love and fly them out to Spain.
Think I need a new town to leave this all behind.
THink I need a sunrise, tired of the sunset.

1) My u-pass is retarded. Seriously.
2) The computer lab at UIC is retarded. Seriously.
3) I need a job.
4) 61820 is hilarious. I like how it went from teen comedy, to teen drama, to soap opera.

I always search for that look. The look that is extended longer than normal. The look that makes you feel vulnerable and awkward. I have had a few of those looks in my life...it is what I refer to as the 'uh oh look'

This look usually means trouble.

This look has NEVER made me have the lose your stomach feeling. What should I call that kind of look? The super uh oh extreme?

Am I ruining this in less than 24 hours. With Dan it took at least a few months.



I am the independent hard headed and hard hearted pain in the ass girl who does not let people make her feel this way unless she gives them permission.......

Shit.




Don't worry, I fully expect this to go nowhere fast and to blow up in my face. At least it was fun for a day or two right?

uh oh

So I wonder how someone says that they are lonely when they are surrounded by people. What is that about? AND how can you sit there and bitch about your relationships when it is clear that it is your own personal hangups that are getting in the way. Grow up. Move on. Realize when somehting is a lost cause. It is not their fault, they told you the rules at the start and it is your fault for not believing them.

You are on the path to becoming pathetic. You are on the path to becoming that person. If you are not careful....

Ok yeah, what the fuck is your problem? You know what needs to be done and for the life of you you never take steps in that direction. I think that means you should stop bitching about it. Thanks. Everyone has problems...get over yourself.

Watch out. It is a bad path. Fix it now.

I don't like him.

"Make no little plans. They have no magic to stir men's blood and probably themselves will not be realized. Make big plans; aim high in hope and work."

"I know fighting. You two fighting, you love each other. She just misses her friend."